


Catch The Falling Sky

by lilabut



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drabble, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2013-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-29 03:03:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 7,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1000093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilabut/pseuds/lilabut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella has made her choice. Can Jacob still change her mind? Or will she slip through his fingers like the sand on the beach?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part I

**Author's Note:**

> AU: Jacob does not run away at the end of Eclipse.

part I 

### I

 

They lay next to each other on their backs on First Beach, the pitch-black sky above them. It is their new pattern, the confinements of their garage – so many memories that tie them together – suffocating them.

 

The ancient blanket – he remembers smearing mud on it on sunny days with his mother and sisters on the beach – is all they bring. She is _so_ close, the urge to touch and protect her suffocates him like those memories.

 

She made her choice, and no matter how much it breaks him, he wants to secure every last memory he can share with her.

 

### II

 

He swore himself he would not care, but when she sits down next to him, her dress the colour of the raspberries she loves so much, mahogany hair cascading down her back, he can only stare and return her shy smile.

 

As the other guests find their seats, he only has eyes for every single lash framing _her_ face, the nervous tipping of _her_ feet, shiny lower lip caught between _her_ teeth. As Emily walks down the aisle, all he can think about is how much he needs to hold _her_ hand the way he should be able to do.

 

### III

 

“What are you doing out here?” he asks, leaning against the doorframe. She turns to look at him, smiling wearily.

 

His mind tells him to go back inside, back to his family, but instead he steps outside onto the porch. Goose bumps cover her bare arms, and it’s his broken heart that wraps his arms around her, pulling her against him.

 

“ _Bells_.”

 

A broken whisper in the lantern-lit semi-darkness of the porch. Small hands clinging to him in despair. Tears drenching his shirt. His name a choked sob.

 

Unsteady feet stumbling away into the darkness, leaving him with empty arms.


	2. part II

**part II**

### I

 

It does not matter how badly she wants to scoot closer on the blanket, wants to reach out her arm and touch his skin.

 

She keeps the oh-so-small distance, eyes pierced onto the night sky almost violently. Out of fear that all control might abandon her if she dares to look at him.

 

His warmth radiates, and for those minutes by his side, everything inside her is a turmoil of colours and pictures and scents and sounds, a maze of all she has to give up and can gain.

 

With him by her side, one option seems so painfully clear…

 

### II

 

Her feet ache in the too-high-heels, and she is glad that her dress covers the scratch on her knee from falling down the porch steps.

 

The aisle, framed by bright flowers, is crowded when she arrives. Stumbling towards the front, her heart falls in her chest. She should have known.

 

Words come so hard and slow between them these days. When she hesitantly glances at him during the vows, she catches him staring at her, eyes open for nothing else in the world.

 

She tries to imagine herself in Emily’s place, kissing Edward. It feels like trying to breathe underwater.

 

### III

 

The night is chilly, but she just stares ahead into nothingness. She is used to cold, but remembers a time when she hated it. Cold and wet.

 

What is she still doing here?

 

“What are you doing out here?”

 

More chills rush over her skin at the sound of his voice. She barely dares to turn her head and smile. He looks so mature, standing there. Everything inside her flutters, and suddenly she feels his arms around her. Warm, secure… right. Names whispered.

 

Guilt tears her away. She made a promise.

 

The ring reflects the scarce light of the moon.


	3. part III

**part III**

### I

 

He is not surprised when she walks into his garage the next afternoon, dark hair sticking against pale skin from the icy downpour.

 

Her greeting words are inaudible, and he knows it is because he tries so _hard_ not to listen to her weary voice. She sounds so unconvincing – every word that passes her lips fuels his rage.

 

If she were determined, he might accept her decision. But all she will ever be is stubborn.

 

He tells himself he can not hold that against her, and so he lets her sit by the door all afternoon, no more words spoken.

 

### II

 

“Leave.”

 

“What?”

 

“Get away from me. I don’t want to see you again.”

 

“But-“

 

“I tried, Bella. I tried so hard. But I can’t any more. Go home. Or to him.”

 

“You’re my best friend. I need-“

 

“You need? _You_ need? Have you ever thought about what _I_ need? Or what _I_ want? I’m your best friend, am I? That is a mutual thing, Bella. And you don’t give a fucking shit about me, or about how I feel.”

 

“That’s not true, Jake.”

 

“If it’s not, then go away. Prove it. Leave me alone. And don’t ever come back. We’re done.”

 

### III

 

The next day, he sells the Rabbit, leaves the bikes at the junk yard, throws away the only two photographs he owns of her – she is a child on the first, huddled in a too-big shirt, eyes avoiding the camera while he is grinning like Christmas morning, and she is just as shy on the second, huddled in a corner of the garage, faintly smiling, blushed cheeks – and puts all his soda into the fridge.

 

By late afternoon, everything he might need again someday is removed from the garage, the door barricaded, locked, and abandoned.

 

Brown eyes still haunt his dreams.

 


	4. part IV

 

**part IV**

### I

 

She spent all night in cold arms, thinking about a pair of warm ones wrapped around her instead.

 

As she stumbles through the icy rain, she briefly wonders why she keeps coming back, what it is that pulls her here over and over again. Why she can not let go. But then she sees him and mumbles something about _hello_ and _sorry_ and _I love you_ and _rain_ and _pancakes_. He does not seem to listen.

 

Biting her lip, she just sits down by the door, legs crossed under her, listening to the rain outside, lips aching with unspoken words.

 

### II

 

His words feel like acid pouring down on her heart, and she thinks that all that is missing is the damp greenery of the forest around them, as another gaping hole is punched through her damaged chest.

 

But she does not feel just loss and heartbreak and inferiority, but guilt. It eats her from the inside out as tears stream down her cheeks and her hands desperately reach out towards him.

 

He is taking a step back in response.

 

She hears herself begging, and the fury that is the answer horrifies her, has her stumbling outside. No direction. No orientation.

 

**III**

 

She locks her window that night.

 

This time, she can feel time passing, every day stretching on so achingly slow, torturous, agonizing.

 

Everything seems out of order now, wrong, misplaced. Like planets looking for their sun to rotate around. Lost in the dark void of the universe. Neither chilly touches nor golden eyes can replace what has been lost. The moon will never be a substitute for the sun.

 

Tears stain the lace of the wedding dress as Alice makes changes at its back, and for the first time, she remains quiet as the salty tears drench the expensive dress.


	5. part V

**part V**

 

### I

 

One week later, he sits in a diner with a girl from the reservation. Black hair, brown eyes, smiling, blushing. Pretty.

 

It has been so easy. After all these months, he realizes that he _can_ live the natural life he wants to much. He _can_ find a woman to marry, to live with, to carry his children. To love.

 

But as he kisses the girl goodbye – Olivia, who sits in front of him in English class – he suddenly knows that letting go does not make much of a difference.

 

He is not really looking for a substitute. There is none.

 

### II

 

The pack hunts down a vampire that month, passing through.

 

He vomits by the edge of the forest, stumbles inside his house naked, ignoring his father’s concerned voice.

 

The number he has to look up in the phone book, but then Olivia is on the other end of the line, and he is in front of her door and back in the diner and somewhere between milkshakes and flushed cheeks they end up in the back-seat of her car.

 

She is smiling gently, and he somehow knows that she understands this will never be more.

 

He is still nervous, though.

 

### III

 

He lets her hold his hand on the beach, lets her pull him in for a kiss in the store. She is soft and sweet and kind. All he can ask for.

 

One night, her breath damp against his collarbone, she presses her small hand against his heart, still beating rapidly. He is still inside her, out of breath, kissing a trail of kisses along her hairline.

 

“Who broke this?” she whispers.

 

His eyes are squeezed shut, images of pale skin, motorcycles and his Rabbit flashing behind his burning eyelids.

 

“Don’t worry,” he sighs against her forehead, squeezing her hand.


	6. part VI

**part VI**

 

### I

 

She starts working additional hours at _Newton’s_ , although she can see the disappointment in Edward’s eyes, usually so perfectly masked, showing no emotions.

 

It is not enough any more, somehow. Being with him. Laying in his arms. And so she starts working more and more, and she has so much to do now that Mike stopped working at his parents’ store.

 

She starts reading travel guides, piling them next to her bed. Paris, Rome, Rio, Sydney, Dublin, Vienna. She feels like maybe she would actually like to see all those places. Taking a stroll. Going for a swim. In the sunlight.

 

### II

 

Charlie keeps throwing her cautious looks, and she knows he does not buy the façade she built to cover the turmoil within.

 

She might look better, but she is not. Mrs. Newton tells her how healthy the flush on her cheeks looks, but it is from crying herself to sleep at night.

 

Alice keeps glancing at her, only a flicker every now and then, and she figures out what it means quickly. That her visions are faltering.

 

Edward holds her hand tighter these days, kisses her with a bit more force. But Alice keeps glancing at her more and more.

 

### III

 

Her eyes remain brown in Alice's visions one rainy morning. They never turn red again.

 

They cancel the wedding that day, and she gives the wedding dress to Angela, making up for not going to gather the courage to attend her wedding with Ben. Angela embraces her tightly, never asking questions.

 

Edward does not say much. Kissing her forehead, he wants to know if he should stay, and she nods against him, asking if he can still _try_.

 

He does, but when his icy fingers slip beneath her panties, both of them squirm away.

 

They hold hands that night instead.


	7. part VII

**part VII**

### I

 

Quil and Embry approve of Olivia. She is at bonfires, comes over to Quil's place to watch a movie with the guys.

 

But their secret is always lingering between them, keeping them from really accepting her. She can not know. There is no reason to. It is not safe.

 

Everyone loves the girl who finally makes Jacob smile again. Only Billy seems to eye her with concern and suspicion.

 

He does not understand why his father reacts like this. The secret is safe. Although he is aware that she knows he is hiding something.

 

Something greater than a broken heart.

 

### II

 

There are no commitments, no promises. Just kisses, heat, smiles and touches. It is easy. Light. The way it should always be.

 

Everything about Olivia is so soft, except the shell she seems to wrap around herself. He tries to kiss past it, kiss her free, trail every ridge with his fingertips.

 

She does not let him in, though, and he knows he has no right to demand anything. She should not give him more than he can give her.

 

So, he captures her lips with his as often as he can, filling every void in his life with her.

 

### III

 

He overhears Charlie telling Billy about the cancelled wedding, clutching Olivia's hand a little too tightly as he rushes them past the living room door into his room.

 

Pushing her roughly against his closed door, his lips descend down her neck like flames, gripping her hands so tightly she starts squirming beneath him.

 

His grip loosens, and he looks away in shame.

 

“It's her, isn't it? The girl who isn't getting married?”

 

He nods, feeling her arms wrap around his stomach.

 

“Are you going to try and win her back?”

 

“Never had her,” he murmurs.

 

“She's not getting married, though.”


	8. part VII

**part VII**

 

### I

 

She keeps a distance. Since that night his ice cold fingers touched her, she feels like she woke up from a delusional dream. Somehow, she does not understand what she desired about the coolness of his skin once.

 

She always hated the cold.

 

Her heart does not skip a beat any more when she sees him, his crooked smile does not have the same effect. She shies away from him.

 

Thoughts of a warmer life, of sunlight and sunburns flood her mind. Still, he is a part of her, and the idea of letting him go tears painfully at her heart.

 

### II

 

“I'm going down to La Push,” Charlie says hesitantly, as if he is speaking out a jinxed word, “Gotta help Billy bring his old wheelchair to the junk yard.”

 

It is only a small sting, and she finds her voice pretty quickly. Brown eyes and black hair waver through her memories.

 

“He's got a new wheelchair?”

 

“Yeah, finally. Always offered help but he wouldn't accept. But Jacob sold his car and bought one.”

 

_Sold his car._

 

The Rabbit. The garage. Warm sodas. The beach.

 

Memories seems to drown her as she stumbles into her room.

 

Why did she let him go?

 

### III

 

Edward kisses her forehead softly, promising to be there if she ever needs him, and she knows he would cry if he could.

 

She presses her hand against his chest, half hoping to feel a heartbeat. But there is just silence, and she sighs, feeling a part of her break apart as Edward retreats, giving her a last, broken smile before getting into the car with Alice, whose eyes are closed.

 

They have long rounded the corner, but she still stands there by the side of the street, tears pooling in her eyes.

 

The road lays empty ahead of her.


	9. part IX

**part IX**

 

### I

 

The bonfires that light up First Beach are not lightening his mood the slightest. _They_ are gone. All of them. And _she_ is still living with Charlie, working in that store. Alive. Human. Breathing.

 

Olivia is sleeping in his arms, her warm breath fanning against his neck, and he looks down at her, peaceful and oblivious to the monster-filled world all around her.

 

He feather-lightly kisses the top of her head, wrapping his arms tighter around her.

 

It could be so easy now. _Jake and Bells_. But he let her go. And Olivia… He can not lose her. Not any more.

 

### II

 

Olivia is a right hander, but she opens every bottle with her left hand. When she sleeps at his house, she hesitates before getting into bed at night - he is sure she checks under her bed at home, although she would never admit that.

 

Her fingers twitch when she is asleep, she gets a red spot on her temple when she is angry. He knows her favorite colour is violet. The freckle below her left breast is shaped like a maple leaf, and she sings along to every song on the radio.

 

He could fall in love with her.

 

### III

 

“What the fuck is your problem with her?” he yells at his father, hands in tight fists. Billy remains calm, knowing better than to remind him of his language at this moment.

 

It are his father's suspicious glances, the short words he speaks to Olivia, the lack of hospitality that boil the rage inside of him.

 

“She's from the rez, she's my age, you know her parents, we could tell her about this whole shit one day. She's all you could want, so what's your problem?”

 

“She's a very lovely girl. But I don't care about what _I_ want, son.”


	10. part X

**part X**

 

### I

 

She spends two days in her bed, thinking about everything that happened in the past, every choice she made, every step she took.

 

It seems so painfully obvious that she made a mistake, but the tears that stain her lilac pillow speak differently.

 

She hates the cold but she misses it in this moment, misses golden eyes and lullabies. Still, she misses brown eyes and warmth and the beach just as much. And she knows, the first ache will pass with time. In the end, it is going to be only warmth she will need.

 

Smiles. Kisses. Hugs. Family. Heartbeat.

 

### II

 

Coward. It is what she calls herself these days. Edward is gone, she could give it a try. Drive to La Push and just _see_. But his words echo in her memory, pierce her heart.

 

Will he even want to see her? Is there a chance for them to go back? Can he forgive her, when she can barely forgive herself?

 

Sometimes she sits in her truck – the truck he repaired for her – and contemplates driving the few minutes down the road. But she never dares to.

 

She craves his warmth. But she needs to see him smile even more.

 

### III

 

“How's Jake?”

 

Charlie looks at her with wide eyes as he sits down at the table, no more eyes for the lasagne in front of him.

 

“He's… ehm… good, I guess.”

 

She feels everything inside her tremble, and she leans against the counter for support.

 

“Yeah? That's good.”

 

“He's got a girlfriend. Or at least I think he has. Don't know what you young people got going these days.”

 

The one word she never allows herself to think wavers through her mind. _Imprinting_. Could he…?

 

“Why don't you just drive down there and talk to him, Bells?”

 

She nods absent-mindedly.


	11. part XI

part XI

 

### I

 

“Jake, man. I think you should tell Olivia that… you two won't work out.”

 

Embry keeps a distance between him and his best friend, turning the screw driver over and over in his hand.

 

“Why the hell wouldn't it work out?”

 

“Seriously, dude. Do you ever _not_ think about Bella?” Silence. “Jake, I get how much Olivia means to you, but-“

 

“No. She could mean _so_ much more to me. I just want her to be the right person. But that won't happen if you keep reminding me of…Bella.”

 

“You won't forget her, even if we stop, Jake.”

 

“I know.”

 

### II

 

He knows he should tell Olivia the truth, but also knows how much she already understands. It is still so unfair to put her in this position, allowing them to become close only to tell her there will not be a future.

 

There is nothing he wants more than a future with her, fall in love with her, marry her. He sees children dancing in her eyes.

 

But then he thinks of another girl, and when he walks by her house at night during patrol, light burning in her room, he knows that she is going to be the one.

 

### III

 

“Jacob,” Olivia sighs, eyes closed, leaning her forehead against his chest, “I'm falling in love with you. I didn't want that to happen because… I know you'll never fall in love with _me_. But now I am and… I'm just going to leave now and… not come back. That's best.”

 

Silent tears run down his cheek.

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

“Don't be. I knew. Just couldn't help falling for you. You're so kind…I hope you'll be happy.”

 

She looks up at him with teary eyes, smiling.

 

“Maybe you can forgive her one day.”

 

Her lips are soft against his one more time.


	12. part XII

**part XII**

 

### I

 

“And you're sure you don't want to come live with me for a while? Little change might be good for you, Bella.”

 

“No, Mom. I'm fine here, really. Mrs. Newton needs help in the store, and I can still go to college next year. I'll just need to figure out what I want to do next. I'll visit, I promise.”

 

“Sweetie, you're not just staying cause you feel you have to, right?”

 

“No, Mom. I want to stay here for now.”

 

“Well, if that's what you want. Just let me know if you feel like a sunnier place to live.”

 

### II

 

She drives down to La Push one afternoon, hands sweaty against the wheel, stopping in front of Emily's house.

 

Last time she saw her was at the wedding, and guilt rushes her inside quickly into Emily's arms, tears spilling over like the rain from the grey clouds.

 

Emily tells her about the girl named Olivia (who is not who Bella feared), and maybe it is because of Emily's caring, compassionate voice that she feels gratitude mingling with her jealousy. Gratefulness because that girl can make Jacob smile again.

 

“Don't give up on him,” Emily calls after her trough the rain.

 

### III

 

Standing behind the counter at the store, she wonders if he will forgive her if she asked him to. What difference it makes to him that she sent Edward away, that she will never be a vampire. That she chose life.

 

Will he believe that she chose him?

 

Angela sends her pictures from her wedding, the dress changed, but still the same, big smiles, kisses and rings, and she feel like maybe, one day, she might be ready for that, as well. But not as a condition to experience something human.

 

She understands now. That she never should have agreed.


	13. part XIII

**part XIII**

 

### I

 

It does not feel like losing Bella. Then, it had been anger, fury, misunderstandings, decisions. This time, it is nothing but sadness and loss.

 

He keeps pictures of Olivia, does not even try hiding them. The smile on her face is something he never wants to forget. His pillow still smells like her, and he swears to never put it away.

 

Still, he knows he has to wash it all away eventually.

 

At school, she smiles at him – friendly, nothing more – and he spends English class staring at her dark hair in front of him, trying not to reach out.

 

### II

 

Out of the blue, she is standing in front of his doorstep, lip caught between her teeth, eyes avoiding him.

 

“Hey, Jake,” she mumbles. He swallows. This is unexpected, and he does not know how to control the avalanche of emotions inside him.

 

Finally, she lifts her head up straight, looking at him with sad, brown eyes.

 

“Do you want me to leave?”

 

He hesitates for a second. _Jake and Bells. Jake and Bells._

 

“Yes.” It is a choked sound, not nearly as determined as he would like it to be, and he closes the door before she can respond.

 

### III

 

The high-pitched bell above the door that announces his entrance shrills in his ears, and he lets the door fall close behind him with a _thud_.

 

Looking around the small store, he is glad to see no customers. He makes his way through the aisles slowly, hands buried in his pockets.

 

“Hey,” he says carefully, and her eyes shoot up as he stands in front of her so suddenly.

 

“Jake?”

 

“I wanted… wanted to apologize. I'm sick of it, to be honest. But I was rude yesterday and that was unnecessary. I'm sorry.”

 

“It's okay.”

 

“Do you have time tomorrow?”


	14. part XIV

**part XIV**

 

### I

 

“Don’t you want to spend Christmas with your mother?”

 

Putting the pancakes on a plate, she rolls her eyes. “It’s two months until Christmas, Dad. I can still decide later. Do you want to get rid of me?”

 

She noticed that Charlie stays down at La Push longer than usual, not just for fishing trip. Something seems different about him. He speaks lighter, smiles more. Asking him will just result in an awkward conversation, though.

 

“Of course not, Bells. But maybe a sunny Christmas would be good.”

 

“Maybe, Dad.”

 

She would rather spend Christmas with a different kind of sun.

 

### II

 

She does not remember driving here, but suddenly she is knocking at his door, biting her lip, heartbeat frantic.

 

For some reason, she is scared. And fear is an emotion she does not connect with him. It all confuses her.

 

When the door opens and she catches a flicker of him, she suppresses the urge to throw herself at him. He wanted her to stay away.

 

“Do you want me to leave?” Her throat feels dry.

 

“Yes.”

 

The closed door feels like a punch in the face. She stands in front of it for a while, her burning eyes closed.

 

### III

 

It is a slow day in the store, unusual for this time of the year, but she is grateful for some peace. When the bell rings, she does not lift her head from the prize list on the counter, hoping that no one will ask questions.

 

When his voice interrupts the silence, she feels her stomach flutter.

 

“Jake?”

 

The bitter mingling of his old fury and new-found compassion almost leaves her in tears, and she accepts his apology. He should not have to apologize.

 

“Do you have time tomorrow?” She nods too quickly, a shy smile spread across her face.


	15. part XV

**part XV**

 

### I

 

He spends all night awake in his bed, caught between memories of the girl he shared this bed with until recently, and the girl he always wanted to be that close to.

 

Rage is still dominant, and he has not forgotten the way he ended things between them. How he sent her away, and asked her to never come back.

 

But slowly, hope and mercy start mingling with the blood-red fury. He will never forget what she did to him, the agony and numb helplessness she put him through. But he starts to believe he can forgive her one day.

 

### II

 

It is a mild day, and he takes her to First Beach, not ready to let her inside his home or face the barricaded garage. He has not set foot in there for months.

 

They are quiet, and he occasionally dares to look at her from his peripheral vision. She is nervous, he can see that. She was always so easy to read for him. Like an open book. Written in a language he does not understand sometimes.

 

“Is there a way I can apologize?”

 

He kicks pebbles into the ocean. “No. But I don’t need to hear it, anyway.”

 

### III

 

He invites her for dinner with Charlie in November. Things are not back to normal between them, but they can finally look each other in the eyes without shame again, and occasionally, a hint of a genuine smile spreads across their faces.

 

Cutting tomatoes, they spend quiet minutes in the kitchen, nothing but the windy storm and the _thud_ of the knives against the counter disturbing the silence.

 

During dinner, their knees accidentally bump against each other below the table, and the gaze they share is full of surprise, shyness and longing.

 

Neither of them move their legs an inch.


	16. part XVI

**part XVI**

 

### I

 

She spends all night awake in her bed, caught between the boy she shared this bed with until recently, and the one she now realizes she wants by her side for the rest of her life.

 

Her entire life lies ahead of her. All the chances and possibilities. And although she wants nothing more than him with her to live through all the moments to come, she promises herself not to screw up this time. To really live, no matter what.

 

It is what he always wanted her to do, after all. Be human.

 

Even if it is without him.

 

### II

 

She shivers from the cold, but there is no wind, no rain, no snow. A better day than many over the year. They are walking side by side on the beach, but it feels nothing like it used to.

 

Staged. Tense.

 

Not light and easy.

 

“Is there a way I can apologize?”

 

“No. But I don’t need to hear it, anyway.”

 

She looks into his eyes, dark lines framing them. But he looks younger. So much younger.

 

A tear spills over, running down her cheek, the cold finding the wet trail.

 

“Don’t cry. Not because of me.”

 

She smiles bitterly.

 

### III

 

His knee against hers spreads warmth through her entire body, flutters in her stomach making it hard to eat. Goose bumps erupting all over her skin.

 

For a brief second, everything feels right again. _Jake and Bells_. But she knows this is the most she will get. An accidental touch. He will not give her more. Not now. Maybe never.

 

He gave it to someone else. She might never deserve it. Still, she longs for much more than knees against each other.

 

Hands on skin. Smiles. Happiness.

 

All she wants is her best friend to forgive her and become more.


	17. part XVII

**part XVII**

### I

 

She laughs one day and it is too much for him. All too much.

 

“I need time, Bella. I want you, I really do. I want the girl I know you can be again. But what you did… I owe you nothing.”

 

“I know, Jake.” Her voice is just a bitter sigh.

 

“I want to forgive you. But I can't just do that. I need time.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I will forgive you one day. And if you're still ready then, we can try to be Jake and Bells again. But Bella,” he pauses, looking her in the eyes, “I'll never forget.”

 

### II

 

He can not remember the last Christmas with his mother. The same agonizing effort of trying to remember every year. The idea that this memory of her is permanently erased from his mind picks at his heart like a butcher knife.

 

He would not let this happen to his own children. The thought is in vain, he knows that. In the end, he will be powerless. But he swears to himself and the light of the Christmas tree that he will try nonetheless.

 

He could ask his father. But he wants to _remember_ his mother. Not be reminded of her.

 

### III

 

Fireworks illuminate the night sky, reflecting on the ocean's surface like millions of bright diamonds.

 

Somewhere nearby, he can hear Quil and Paul howling across the beach.

 

Hoping that the fireworks will not only chase demons away, but every bottled-up hostile emotion and savagery inside of him, he throws small rocks in the water.

 

Last week, he saw Olivia walking through the vegetable aisle in the store, hand in hand with a guy he sees at school sometimes. She gave him her best smile when he passed by, an unspoken apology lingering between them.

 

He has to let her go.


	18. part XVIII

**part XVIII**

### I

 

She tries with every ounce of strength inside of her to hold on to the fact that he _wants to forgive her_. It feels like a rusty, milky window opened in an ancient room, fresh air filling her lungs. Light flooding everything.

 

But it is an open promise. Neither of them can really know what the next months will bring. Or the next day. Or the next minute.

 

Still, it is enough for her to know, at this very moment, that this foreign distance between them might vanish one day. A fresh start.

 

A new chapter of _Jake and Bells_.

 

### II

 

On Christmas morning, she is knee-deep in the Atlantic, fingertips feeling the salty waves wash over her skin.

 

Renée is chirping on the beach, sitting in Phil's lap, calling out for her to come out of the water to open her present.

 

But she stands motionless in the water, looking out to the orange horizon, her breathless sobs drowned by the rush of the ocean.

 

The sun shining in Florida, her mother's hugs and chattering – suddenly she realizes that, by now, she could have been a vampire. Could have left all this behind already.

 

“Sweetie, _this_ gift won't wait forever!”

 

### III

 

The last fireworks have faded into darkness, and only moonshine reflects on the ocean's surface. She sits by the open window of her room, letting the breeze wash across her face.

 

Cradled against her chest, her fingers wrapped securely around him, she holds her Christmas gift, a small, slightly russet-coloured hamster. Carlos – that had been Renee's choice of name, stating that she needs _a strong man_ by her side – sniffs at her fingertips, fur so incredibly soft, weighing next to nothing.

 

She nuzzles her nose against his fur, thinking of another man, sitting at the shore of a different ocean.


	19. part XIX

**part XIX**

 

### I

 

Months pass by in a slow blur. Somehow, they tie them together in different ways. Laughs do not scare him anymore. Touches do not seem so out of reach.

 

He opens the garage again, and they fall back into parts of their old pattern. No big words.

 

He has a small hamster lumbering over his chest whenever he stops by her house now. The little guy with the tiny fingers and weird squeaky noises becomes his new friend, and she jokes one day, that he loves him more than her.

 

They both swallow before her words have faded into silence.

 

### II

 

“I'm going to college this year, Jake.”

 

She is sitting on the couch next to him – not curled up against his side like it used to be – and the movie is suddenly forgotten.

 

“That's… great,” he answers, the knot in his throat making it so hard to speak.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Bella?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Where are you going to college?”

 

He can see her swallow, sees the tears gathering in her eyes. The urge to hold her hand is bigger than his promise to take his time, and their fingers intertwine like it is the most natural thing for them to do.

 

“Virginia.”

 

### III

 

He is standing helplessly in the middle of the airport, untouched by the masses of people rushing by. It is loud, crowded, too warm for autumn.

 

How did the summer pass this quickly? Those warm days at the beach? Careful smiles and jokes? Holding her hand in the darkness and safety of the movie theatre? Why is she crying in his arms already?

 

“Tell me not to go, Jake.”

 

“You should go,” he whispers, kissing her cheek, just a brief touch away from the corner of her lips (how can she be so soft?). “But you have to come back.”


	20. part XX

**part XX**

### I

 

It takes a while until the sound of the hamster wheel does not keep her awake at night anymore. But it gives her more time to think. Time to realize that promising herself to _live_ bears certain consequences…

 

She can not remember the last time she has laughed so easily whenever Carlos makes his small steps across Jacob's chest. She does not mind the endless discussions about his name. Or the colour of his fur.

 

“I think you love him more than you love me.”

 

The following silence is deafening, and she can barely hear him whisper _no_ that afternoon.

 

### II

 

“Virginia.”

 

She does not even remember what movie they were watching, or when it started to rain outside. All she knows is that she has known _this_ for three weeks and only now found the courage to tell him.

 

And now he is holding her hand, and she wishes she could just work at _Newton's_ for the rest of her life and live in their garage until they are old.

 

His hand gently squeezes her fingers. She looks at him, bitter smile on his face.

 

“That's far away,” he whispers, and all she can do is nod, tears spilling over.

 

### III

 

It tears her apart that she has not been this close to him for so long, hands fisted in his shirt, tears drenching the fabric, his arms wrapped around her, lips touching her skin.

 

Why does it have to go this far for them to shatter the wall of doubt and mistrust between them?

 

She wants to kiss him so badly, longs to feel his warm, soft lips against hers. But then she remembers that it happened out of despair once before. On that mountain top. It seems like an eternity ago.

 

It should not be here, crying, saying goodbye.


	21. part XXI

**part XXI**

### I

 

When she hastily stumbles into his arms, bags dropped onto the floor and forgotten already, he thinks that this might be the best Christmas gift he could have asked for.

 

Mail and phone calls were no substitute for her teary laughter, her small hands pressed against his back, head buried in the crook of his neck.

 

“I missed you, Jake,” she sighs, nuzzling her nose gently against his sensitive skin.

 

It is too much, but he is careful not to make her feel rejected as he sets her down again, smiling at her.

 

“Missed you more, Bells.”

 

“I doubt it.”

 

### II

 

“So, how is Carlos doing? Does he miss me?”

 

“It's been so ridiculously hot here this week, he's just hiding in his house all day long. But I think Embry imprinted on him. You should see those two. Even my Dad agreed with my suspicion. Embry is… enchanted by Carlos.”

 

Their hysterical laughter gets chopped off by the bad connection every now and then, but they do not mind.

 

“And you really can't come here over the summer?”

 

“I really can't. No money. At all. And I don't want to ask Charlie.”

 

“I miss you, Bells.”

 

“I love you, Jake.”

 

### III

 

It has been one year since he last saw her, and when she is walking towards him, he knows for sure what has become clearer to him over the last months.

 

She is crying when she falls into his arms, and he can just hear her gasp as he presses his lips against hers. More urgently then he intended to do, but so much softer than that fateful kiss they shared before.

 

He cradles her face in his hands, fingertip brushing over her cheeks, feeling her shiver in his arms when he pulls back.

 

“I love you so much, Bells.”


	22. part XXII

**part XXII**

 

### I

 

They lay on their backs under the bright Christmas tree, fingers intertwined, Carlos asleep on her chest.

 

His thumbs draws lines on the back of her hand, and she fights the same urge she fought the entire day. To move closer, to hold on tighter. To breathe in deeper.

 

“So,” he mumbles, staring at the lights above them, “any guys in Virginia who can compete with a hamster?”

 

She laughs, but notices he holds on just a bit tighter. The trembling of her chest wakes Carlos, and they laugh as he nuzzles his nose against the hem of her blouse.

 

### II

 

“I miss you, Bells.”

 

“I love you, Jake.”

 

The silence over the phone seems even less bearable than it does when they are standing in front of each other. It is easier to talk. But she does not know how much he is ready to hear yet.

 

“I know,” he says quietly, and she can hear him sigh, ”Listen, Bells. I gotta go. Want to catch some sleep before patrol. Call you tomorrow. Night.”

 

“Night, Jake,” she whispers, but the line is dead already.

 

She sees his face in the darkness that night, a future, wondering when he'll be ready.

 

### III

 

“You should sleep, Bells,” he whispers softly, breath fanning over her neck. She shivers, head shaking.

 

“Not tired,” she mumbles, pulling herself closer into their embrace. Everything seems entangled – arms, legs - and she does not remember ever feeling this warm and safe.

 

“Sure, sure.”

 

He sighs when her hands slip beneath his shirt, cool against his stomach, wrapping around him.

 

“Don't wanna miss a second.” She drops small kisses all over his face, every soft patch of skin she can find.

 

“I know, Bells,” he whispers, his lips finding hers, and she whimpers as he pulls her impossibly closer.


	23. part XXIII

**part XXIII**

 

### I

 

It is nothing but longing phone calls and stolen kisses between her two visits for the next two years.

 

He has to call her to tell her Carlos never woke up one morning, and when he can do nothing about her sobs on the other line, his heart breaks all over again, he swears to make the most of her next visit.

 

It is only a few days both times, filled with holding hands and chaste kisses, _I love you, Bells_ mingling with tears in the crook of her neck at the airport.

 

But then she moves back to Forks.

 

### II

 

He does not regret that she is not his first, but when she lies beneath him, his hands gliding over her incredibly soft, bare skin, and her damp breath as she moans his name when he enters her – he knows she was made to be his last.

 

Gently kissing her tears away, he holds her close, waiting for her to be ready. Just like he always has. But this time, he knows she will not run if he gives up waiting.

 

“Make love to me, Jake,” she whispers as the tears dry, fingertips dancing along the back of his neck.

 

### III

 

He does not remember when he forgave her, but he knows he has.

 

Some days he sees Olivia on the street, someone else's hand on her belly, and he answers her bright smile, knowing he would never have been able to give her that, his heart so stubbornly tied to someone else.

 

He holds _her_ hand tighter, never allowing anything to wash her away from him again.

 

It is not quite Jake and Bells and dirt bikes and warm sodas anymore. But he holds her at night and knows that it is more than he ever thought he would have.


End file.
